


Seasick Lullaby

by ConfessionForAnotherTime



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Agender Character, Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-05 23:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14629683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConfessionForAnotherTime/pseuds/ConfessionForAnotherTime
Summary: With a mix of guilt and persistence, Agent Carolina tortures herself with what could have been.





	Seasick Lullaby

Lights flickered to life. Carolina clenched her fists, taking a deep breath. _This time it’ll work._ She had run through the memory, committing it to the forefront of her mind. It played so easily now that she didn’t have to think about every twitch of their muscles in reaction. The hurt in their voice was etched into her soul by now, gnawing at her. 

She had fought the memory, standing before them. They struggled to stand up. 

“This is over.” She sounded hollow, broken, desperate to right their mistake so they could heal, together. 

“Over? Nah.” The same virtrol laced their voice. They had rejected her apology, and so far, she hadn’t been able to convince them that she truly felt bad for the way things had played out. This was one more opportunity to do something to help someone who had been robbed of everything just like she had. Director Church had given her everything and nothing, taken it all to leave her to clean up the mess he left behind. And now, another person suffering. She grappled with the idea of offering refuge in her group, her family, her home. 

They shake their head. “No. You can break me, burn me, bury me alive…” Each word punctuated another pang of regret, a twist to the knife of pain that had lived in her stomach for so many years now. 

“T---Shark, please. We can help you.” Off script. Off script always had disastrous results. 

“Help me?” They scoffed, throwing their helmet at her. “What makes you think you can help me?! What makes you think I should give half a shit that you even care about what happens to the people you gun down in the name of Project Freelancer. You dropped a building on me. You left me for dead. You killed my family. And now, you want to offer help like I mean something to you?” 

“You can mean something to me. We’ve both been hurt by Project Freelancer.” Carolina held out her hand, hoping this time, they would take it. 

“Yeah well, I’m still alive, so you’re as good as dead.” 

No reaction. The world rang around her. “F.I.L.S.S. report. What happened?”

“It seems that they shot you and you didn’t get a chance to react in time. Agent Washington killed them before you hit the ground. Would you like to replay this memory or reboot from the original?”

“Reboot. I can’t do anything if I’m dead.”

“Understood.” 

Carolina closed her eyes. 

Lights flickered to life.  _ I could always wrestle him to the ground. No, I tried that. They killed me then too.  _ Shark took a few steps closer, reaching for their helmet. 

“You don’t deserve this.” Carolina took a step toward them. They stopped, tearing the helmet away. She winced at the scars, knowing she was at least partly to blame for them being there. “I wish I could show you it wasn’t anything against you.”

They tossed their helmet at her, closing her eyes when it impacted with her chest. “You’re only saying that because I’m making you deal with the consequences of your actions. You only feel sorry because not everyone died while you were running your errands. If I never came back, you would have continued on your way and not done a  _ damn thing _ . This isn’t about you bettering yourself. This is about you avoiding the guilt!” 

The first time, it hurt her to hear them say those words. The twenty third time didn’t make it any different. 

Lights flickered to life.

Another gun in her face.

Lights flickered to life.

Burns on her arm that disappeared the moment the simulation was over. 

Lights flickered to life.

That tired sigh when Wash,  _ how did he get here?,  _ shot them. Dead. Body growing cold on the concrete. 

Lights flickered to life.

Hands on her throat that left her struggling for breath. 

Lights flickered to life.

The slow feeling of death as the bullet wound seeped out the force that kept her alive. 

Lights flickered to life.

“As long as I’m alive, you’re all as good as DEAD!” They flew at her, mouth harshly curved in a scowl. 

Lights flickered to life.

The empty sound of a body hitting the ground. Nothing got through. 

“Enough!” Carolina tore her own helmet off this time, her eyes puffy and red. No matter how many times she played it, it always ended up the same. It always had the same outcome. The torture of knowing she couldn’t fix it or make it right no matter how hard she tried weighed on her. 

They charged at her, ready to kill her. “F.I.L.S.S. quit program!” The cold sterile holodeck returned to the washed out gray. “Maybe…” 

“Agent Carolina? You have run this immersive memory 103 times already. What needs to be altered to ensure that you will be successful in your future endeavor?” The AI’s words hung in the air and Carolina dropped her head. 

“The point isn’t success.” No. success wouldn’t happen at any rate. This was just another failure. 

“Carolina?”

“I need you to run it again.”

“Agent Carolina, there is no infor----”

“F.I.L.S.S, again.” Her voice rang out hollow, alone. Carolina was searching for answers in a world that had none. Abandoned in her cycle, she waited for the program to flicker back to life. “I need to make it right with them this time.”

“Agent Carolina? This will be your 103rd revisit to this memory. Each time you enter it, you leave more distressed. Might I suggest a memory of Allison before she left you and your father a final time?” The scene around her changed, dropping her into the last time she saw her mother. Leonard show up, a small blonde girl clinging to his leg. 

Carolina shook her head. “No. I can’t fix that.”

“Agent Carolina, you can’t fix this either.” She didn’t know it was possible for an AI to sounds sad, especially one that wasn’t a smart AI.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

“I know.”


End file.
